Intimacy and Sex
Well, it had to come up during this little lesson, didn’t it? Call it my version of ‘real t-girl education’ because so many men need a proper education when it comes to T-Girls and intimacy. So many men rely on porn sites to find their ‘knowledge’ which is the wrong place to look! Intimacy is a vital factor of every type of relationship. Once you have begun to get established in your relationship with your T-Girl, you will naturally end up taking it to further levels of intimacy at varying stages. As with all new love, you will each progress at your own speed, so if she is reluctant to go too
fast, don’t be overly pushy about it. Take it slower and let her lead the way a little. It is vital that you remember that each T-Girl has her own set of unique personal circumstances, background and issues with her self esteem or body.
This is where I get a little personal. Let’s get to it. T-Girls want to be treated like women, because they feel like women. Some T-Girls will have had sexual reassignment surgery to become what they feel they should have been born as. Others will be transitioning. Transitioning means that they will not have had surgery but are considering it with a view to full surgical completion. Other T-Girls might feel that just living as woman without changing their body is also right for them. However, there are also deeper psychological factors at work here. Getting to that stage where you are both mutually interested in getting sexually intimate will be a highly exciting part of your relationship. You might have been dating for awhile and felt that it was time to take the next step. In this case there are a number of scenarios that might possibly have occurred within your time together.
1. Has She Opened Up About Herself?
If you and your T-Girlfriend have not had ‘the conversation’ yet, you might still be wondering what her body might be like underneath those clothes. Some will find it easier to talk about than others and if your T-Girl has not said anything, she could either be waiting for you to ask, or, she is uncomfortable talking about it. Will she be functional? You must be prepared therefore, for a ‘surprise’ when you finally do get ‘down to business.’ Some men are really turned on by the idea of not knowing.
When I was dating a guy (soon after I started living as a woman), I had no idea if I was supposed to tell him! I thought he knew that T-Girls might still have their ‘male genitals’. I had been living as a woman for about six months and he was one of the first men I got intimate with. We didn’t have ‘that conversation’ because I was quite naïve and I thought he must know. One night we were sitting on the sofa at his apartment and things were getting a little steamy. He put his hand on my thigh and started to rise up and turn it inward. Of course, it got me going and I responded by opening my legs a little. He took that as a sign to move in closer and when he finally reached the top and felt what was there he stopped kissing me and he looked shocked. I don’t know if he
expected it or not! Well, when he looked right into my eyes I was expecting him to freak out and stand up and demand an explanation. I waited hesitantly, watching him. His face took on a sort of quirky smile and his eyes lit up and then he asked me if I was a ‘bottom’ or a ‘top’! Well, that sealed the deal for both of us because he was totally O.K. about having been surprised in a pleasant fashion. Turned out it was one of his fantasies. We had quite the wild time that night and hardly any sleep! Not all scenarios work out so perfect, so gauge your feelings before you get a surprise
that you might not have been expecting. There is an old saying ‘expect the unexpected’ and in the case of dating a T-Girl, that statement could not be more true. You never know what you will find, because T-Girls are all so different.
Foreplay is very important in the build up to sex. Stroking your T-Girlfriend’s legs, arms, thighs and shoulders is one way of turning her on and getting her more in the mood for romance. Nibbling her ear lobes and putting soft kisses on her neck will no doubt have a lovely effect and keeping this up for as long as it takes her to want more is a wonderful enticement to get even more intimate. All women like a lot of foreplay and T-Girls are no exception. T-Girls, regardless of whether they function or not, like a long, slow and sensual build up. Pay attention to her body. Place long,
lingering kisses on her. Caress her body lovingly and sensually. Note the reactions she displays when you do certain things, like kiss her in places other than her lips. Touch her and tell her she is beautiful or sexy, or whatever loving word you feel describes her best. Make her feel like she is the only woman on the planet at that moment. Your T-Girlfriend might be the vocal type who likes to tell you what she wants you to do to her. If that is so, do it, unless you feel particularly squeamish about it. Not everyone likes every aspect of sex. Open communication and talking is the best way to navigate your mutual likes and dislikes. It also increases the comfort level, so you’re more likely to get what you want out of the encounter.
3. Physical and Psychological Issues
As uncomfortable as this part of the subject might be, it really does need addressing. As I said, every T-Girl has her issues. Personally, while I feel a little uncomfortable about my male genitals, I don’t hate them. They serve a function, but I don’t want my dates to focus on them to the exclusion of everything else. It is ok to be touched there as long as I feel I am being treated as a lady. One gentleman explained that he considered my penis to be a clitoris and he reassured me that he was interested in me as a woman. That was reassuring to me and we had very passionate sex!
It’s important for you to understand that many T-Girls will be in transition toward fully becoming women, with surgery and all. Therefore, they will do everything they can to hide their male genitals (and accentuate their feminine side). Some wear underwear which tightens it down and restrains their genitals from showing through their clothes. Others will strap the penis down to almost eradicate its presence. You will need to proceed cautiously or you may scare her off. One question you guys might have is whether the T-Girl’s penis reacts when the she is
turned on. As a gentleman, you might not feel comfortable asking, but, that’s why they call me the ‘T-Girl dating coach’ — I am not averse to asking or answering the questions you dare not speak! In truth, there will be some T-Girls who rarely, if ever, become erect because the HRT sees to it that the male response is lessened more over time. Their penis and testicles will also shrink a bit. The less testosterone there is running through a male body, and the more estrogen there is, it is going to have an effect on all the male plumbing. This affects T-Girls in varying degrees, at various points in their transition. Sexual arousal in the pre-op T-Girl will depend in part on whether she is undergoing hormonal treatment. Some T-Girls feel extremely disdainful toward their physical appearance and will do whatever it takes to hide the male evidence. Some of them even feel a self loathing toward their outer primary genitalia because it is a constant reminder that they are not
outwardly the woman they feel like on the inside. I have even heard nasty horror stories of self mutilation. It’s very sad, but true. Some T-Girls will also hate the reaction of their penis to being sexually stimulated. If you find yourself in a relationship with a T-Girl who has an issue with her own stimulation, I would suggest you exercise extreme patience. It’s best to be supportive and non-judgmental about it, if you can. Often, all that is needed is a comfort level.
4. Top, Bottom or Switch?
I already mentioned that guy who asked about me being a ‘top’ or ‘bottom,’ but let me elaborate on this a little. Being a ‘top’ simply means that you prefer to be on top when you make love. Being a bottom means you prefer to be underneath. No doubt you can figure out what a ‘switch’ is. YepK..you don’t mind either way. I am switch. Yes, I am a little kinky. I like to be on top sometimes and on the bottom other times and I like to explore new positions. Now and again, with the right partner, I will do both top and bottom in the same session. Some men prefer to on top because it is the only thing they know. It is their comfort zone or their place where they feel in charge. It really is an individual thing. Your T-Girlfriend might have a preference to being one or the other as
might you. Be prepared to compromise! You might find that you really enjoy being a ‘bottom’ once you try it. If you are open minded enough to like switching, then that’s great. You can both have fun deciding who goes on top first!
5. Should You Touch It?
This is a really sensitive subject to some T-Girls. In Bangkok, there are T-Girls known as ‘Lady Boys’ (which can be a derogatory term to some T-Girls) who are happy to be half male and half female. They will happily ‘rent’ out their bodies with the full knowledge that the man will want them to use their penis on him. There are many T-Girls who may be willing to explore sexuality in this manner but it can be a sensitive subject. Approach the subject carefully and let her know you’re just wanting to know more about her. On the other hand, a transsexual who sees herself as female and doesn’t much like her male organs, may not want you to touch or acknowledge her penis. She might prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist, so I would say here, that you should remain sensitive to this possibility and follow her lead. If your hand wanders down there and you grab it and she shudders away and says no, then don’t go any further with it. Perhaps you can
choose a good time to have an open and honest discussion about it.
6. What about BDSM and Fetishes?
Fetishes are simply body parts or objects other than the genitals that create a sexual stimulation. T-Girls seem to have a tendency toward fetishes so what’s your pleasure? BDSM, also prevalent in the TGirl community is an abbreviation for ‘Bondage, Discipline and Sado Masochism. BDSM is one of those ‘not-so-vanilla’ subjects that seems to be a little taboo with some people. But not me!! Unless a person fully understands the concept of what BDSM is, they tend to shy away from it. Some even think of it as disgusting, but that is usually just ignorance. Many people have a preconception that it involves violence, but in reality, it is nothing like that. It is purely consensual and both parties always agree on boundaries and rules before they begin. Not all people who like
bondage will like Sado Masochism. Some people prefer the discipline aspect and others prefer being tied up and whipped. Not all people who like discipline will like Sado Masochism and so on. The subject of bondage may come up during the course of your relationship and this is where it is really important to be open about your likes and dislikes with each other. Your T-Girlfriend might enjoy a good paddling on her butt and being told she is a naughty girl. On the other hand, she might not. And, you might have your own little kinks that you enjoy! One of my early dates liked to use a paddle and I agreed to try it just to please him. I did enjoy the experience but it wasn’t something I would do as a matter of course in our relationship. It was more a sort of ‘treat’ that we could do once in a while for something different. On the other hand, it might have just been that I was doing it to please him and if that is the case, it won’t quite sit right with your T-Girl if she is just compromising to please you. Likewise, if you don’t feel right about it, you should say so too. BDSM can be a truly fun experience with the right partner. You can explore the concept together
and do some research and learn about it together. After that, where you take it is up to you.
Building trust and talking about your sexual desires is the best way to iron out any possible misunderstandings. Your preferences may be totally compatible in most ways and not quite as compatible in other ways. You might discuss the options of ‘trying it on for size’ just to see how something might feel for you both. Have fun with sex!
7. After Sex Guilt
Occasionally a man will feel odd after having sex with a T-Girl. Psychological guilt can overtake him and he might feel he has done something wrong. There are many reasons why this might occur and the dynamics involved are quite profound. If you have ever had an experience similar to this, look inside for your own personal reason. One possible explanation is that if your T-Girl has not had the operation you might have ‘gay guilt.’ Basically it is a kind of reality check, where your mind will start to tell you that you just had sex with a guy. Despite the fact that she looks and acts like a girl, it was still a guy and your mind will try to convince you that you did something wrong. Many times this guilt is fueled by moral or religious beliefs. I recall one time a gentleman romanced me and was all over me. He said all the right things and eventually we ended up in bed where we had some wonderful sex together. As soon as he ejaculated, his head hung down and his entire demeanor changed. I became confused and bewildered because I thought he had enjoyed himself. I asked what was the matter. His reply floored me. He said, “I did something wrong.” He meant
it was wrong to love me. I left in tears and never saw him again, even though he made repeated attempts to go out with me afterward. I just couldn’t repeat that episode. It’s a shame because I felt there was something special there for both of us.
My advice is this: If you enjoyed the experience and you would do it again, then don’t feel guilty. If it was fun, see it for what it was and let the guilt go. If you do experience the after sex guilt at any time, I must emphasize that you not blame your T-Girl partner for this. She is not at fault. Please be prepared and take responsibility for your own actions.
8. Safe Sex Caution
Safe sex is an absolute must in this day and age. HIV is still rife throughout the gay community as well as among straight people. A person can carry the HIV virus and not have a clue, so it is always worth taking a test of your own volition to make sure you are not a carrier. People most at risk are usually people who have practiced unsafe sex in the past, or had many sexual partners. Always use a condom where bodily fluids are concerned. We are all aware that kissing cannot spread the HIV virus, but how many of us would feel comfortable kissing a person they knew had it? It is a frightening concept to many people. Other sexually transmitted diseases can easily be spread through unsafe sex. Check your own body regularly for signs of any viruses like genital warts, herpes and syphilis. If you are unsure about something go and see your doctor before you start dating a new partner. Get a thorough check up to put your own mind at rest. It pays to be overly
cautious when it comes to such matters!